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All Good Things.

24 Sep

Must come to an end.

And this, sadly, includes Seven Deadly Divas. I’m not going to go into the whos or whys of it too much beyond “real life kicked the ladies’ collective asses”. Health, school, moves, kids, and work malaise made the blog unsustainable. As such, if you want to catch up with the divas, might I suggest checking out their personal blogs? There might not be new articles every day, but between the ten of us? Twelve of us? We’re bound to entertain you sooner or later.

Thanks for stopping by, thanks for reading, and thanks for contributing to a fantastic nine months.

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I Admit It.

17 Sep

It’s a filler video. Two of the divas are off gallivanting this Saturday. Hopefully my health holds out! Wee!

In the meanwhile? Enjoy.

Reflection

11 Sep

I’m not sure if this is a Diva-type post.  Whether we should go on with regular content, or not post at all today.  Other people will say things more eloquently, have more worthwhile rememberances of, as Verlyn Klinkenborg called it, “that sudden Tuesday” than I could ever cobble together.  Some people are shutting off the news today, and I’ll quite possibly be one of them.

I will leave this here, for those who wish to reflect.  It’s a poem by John M. Ford called “110 Stories,” and while it’s not easy to take in, it is probably the most powerful response to September 11th I’ve ever read.

How Not to Be a Jerk on Public Transportation

8 Sep

or, “one of these days, falconesse is gonna smite someone.”

1.  Put the backpack on the floor.  Are you carrying one of those big-ass hiking kits that extends two feet above your head and could see you through six weeks trekking across Europe without needing to resupply?  Is it the equivalent of lugging someone piggyback along with you?  And every time you move you’re knocking your fellow travelers over like human bowling pins?

Shrug the damned thing off and put it at your feet.  Yes, even if you’re only going a couple of stops.  Take thirty seconds to readjust when you get off the train.

2.  Your purse is not a person.  If the train is full, get your Gucci bag off the seat so someone else can sit down.  I see you not making eye contact and hoping that fellow passengers will stand rather than disturb you.  You’re one person in a three-seat bench.  Share.

3.  Offer the pregnant lady/elderly person/dude on crutches your seat.  It is not ONLY the responsibility of the person in the designated handicapped seat to be polite.  Don’t wait for someone else to be nice.  Just… be nice.  Another thing to keep in mind, if you’re waiting for the person in the handicapped seat to get up — just because someone looks like they’d be okay standing for a while doesn’t mean they are.  Some disabilities aren’t ones you can see.  So if you are someone capable of standing, make the offer.  It might not always be accepted, but the gesture is usually appreciated.

4.  Move all the way into the car.  Getting two steps inside the door and stopping means everyone getting on behind you has to maneuver around you.  Maybe you’re just going one stop, but chances are any five people behind you could say the same.  Move in.  Make room.

5.  LET PEOPLE GET OFF THE TRAIN BEFORE YOU GET ON.  /wharrgarbl.  This doesn’t just apply to trains, but to busy coffee shops and elevators, too.  Trying to shove your way aboard gums everything up.  Wait ten seconds.  You’ll get fewer elbows in your ribs that way.

I’m guessing I’m preaching to the choir for most of our readers, but if ever there’s a day you see headlines like Boston Woman Carried Off Train Shouting About Goddamned Elephant-Sized Backpacks, well, you probably know who it’s about.

Search Term Bingo.

6 Sep

So one of my favorite things to do (because I’m lame and have no life) is to look through the various search terms that bring people to my sites. Why? That’s a damned good question considering most of the things I find make me scratch my head and go BUT WHY PEOPLE, WHY. Half of the fun is trying to figure out what post generated the hit in the first place. Sometimes? It’s nigh impossible to fathom. Best I can come up with is we swear so much that the word “fucking” has become one of our biggest draws.

And with it there are problems, people.

Today, I wanted to share some of the /gems/ of recent history – if by gems I mean “DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP.”

Search Term: lolboobs gif
Site: Divas

Well. I feel that I can help with this one. Are you ready?

There. Don’t we all feel better?

Search Term: you need to write your shoe size (just the number) followed by the word ‘inches’ and how long it takes to do your hair in minutes
Site: Divas

See, this is one of those stupid Facebook games. If you haven’t read Anna’s post about why the newest “breast cancer awareness” game on FB is shit, I recommend you check it out.

Search Term: tomb raider tits
Site: Divas

The whole GAME is tits, people. C’mon, really? Maybe you’d be better searching for “tomb raider nipples” because, well, last I checked they still hadn’t shown a single areola. Goddamned game developers better get on it! Gamers need their pron!

Search Term: erotica romance older woman her son
Site: Divas

So yeah, remember when I said I couldn’t figure out which post correlated to our search term bingo? I’m really lost on this one. Last I checked none of the divas have written incest porn. Best I can come up with is Falconesse’s little rant about Lupin and Snape porn. You know the one . . . with mention of the engorged purple love-tool.

This is why we can’t have nice things, Falconesse.

Search Term: “she-ra” tentacle wrap lips
Site: Divas

Welp! Up to this point in my life I had never pictured She-Ra giving fellatio to a tentacle. Thanks to the internet, now I have. Now you have, too. I’m sure there’s a picture of this somewhere, but damned if I’m going to Google image search this puppy. Mostly to preserve my goddamned sanity, thanks. She-Ra was a childhood hero. No tentacles should go near or around her perfect Princess of Power self.

Search Term: i’m 19 years old boy .i want have sex at suzie kennedy .
Site: Divas

At her? Like, does this mean you grab a girl, slap her down on the ground, and go at it while Suzie Kennedy stares on in A) horror B) fascination or C) unbridled lust? Or is Suzie Kennedy a place I don’t know about? “Hey baby, let’s go rollerskating at Suzie Kennedy. I heard all the cool kids are getting their hump on in the bathroom. Doesn’t that sound sexy? A little roller skating la la? Aww yeah.”

Search Term: my husband is always on the playstation and netflix
Site: Divas

Dear lady with a husband always on the PlayStation or Netflix,

There are a few options open to you at this time.

Step One: Have a conversation with him regarding his rampant use of said electronics. Tell him his use bothers you and have a dialogue about things you can do together. If this doesn’t work, proceed to Step Two.

Step Two: Unplug the machine while he’s playing it and insist that you REALLY MEANT IT when you said that he spent too much time ignoring you. If he gets angry, point out that you’ve had this conversation and he hasn’t changed his Netflix watching ways. If this doesn’t work, proceed to Step Three.

Step Three: Buy your own electronics. The vibrating kind. Have lots of sex with them instead of him. If he’s fine with being second fiddle and you’re not okay with the arrangement, proceed to Step Four.

Step Four: Light the PlayStation — and possibly the husband — on fire. Bet that’ll get his fucking attention!

Yours,

Hillary

Search Term: lady use soap for fuck
Site: Divas

I bet you didn’t think your post about the best soap ever would inspire people to want to see women actually shoving bars of soap into their wahoos, Anna. BUT LOOK. IT HAS.

Search Term: sex gay sex movies gay pron sex gay
Site: Divas

I’m actually not sure what you’re after here, searcher. You weren’t really clear with your interests. Could you maybe reword this in such a way that we can better help you? The ladies at the Divas are helpers, after all. We like to help. So clarify a little more and perhaps our friendly readers would be willing to put some link suggestions in the comments!

Search Term: why being a scientist sucks
Site: Divas

You know, I wish I had something witty to say here, but I don’t. This question fascinates me, though. Why DOES being a scientist suck? Long hours? Bad benefits? Short pay? But . . . but . . . you’re a scientist. You can build things stronger, better, faster. You can make the Incredible Hulk. HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY SUCK?

Search Term: how to lose weight with poly yeti ovarian disease
Site: hillarymonahan.com

The first problem, as I see it, is you’re a yeti. And yetis are a bit bulkier, ma’am. Furrier, wider through the hips and chest. Make sure before you embark on a yeti diet regime you have reasonable expectations of healthy yeti weight control. Maybe eat a few less bears, add more people into your diet. As for exercise, might I recommend terrorizing a small village or two? Running after the terrified villagers has to burn a few hundred calories. Oh and more whole grains, too!

Search Term: coffee, sex and throw snot trigger stroke
Site: hillarymonahan.com

You had me with the coffee and the sex. In fact, I was all on board with your plan. Then you started talking about projectile snots and I kinda fell off the bandwagon. That’s pretty nasty right there. Did you build a snot trebuchet? Or maybe you have a slingshot. And where does the stroking come in?

. . . wait, don’t answer that.

Search Term: story on suppose an spaceship has landed near your house . what was a reaction to if?
Site: hillarymonahan.com

I don’t know what story you’re looking for, internet person, but I can tell you that the reaction to a spaceship landing near you house should be something like “OH FUCK THERE’S ALIENS AND WE ALL GONNA DIIIIIE.” You should say this loudly, and maybe with tears on your cheeks. I ‘d also suggest you invest in some iron underwear so you can avoid the anal probes.

Search Term: hey fuckos
Site: hillarymonahan.com

To the person that typed in “hey fuckos” on an internet search engine, I salute you. There’s something beautiful about the simplicity of your search.

Search Term: hillarys murder
Site: hillarymonahan.com

Whoa, whoa. Put down the wood chipper. We can talk this through. No need to get . . . no, no abandon the angry wolverine. And the steak knife.

Wait. You meant the Secretary of State? Oh, well. She has secret service for a reason. Carry on, then. I suggest you keep googling “Hillary’s Murder” if you want to meet them in person. They might have some questions for you, though.

Search Term: giant flapping asshole
Site: hillarymonahan.com

Oh! Oh I can help with this one!

(A little political? Yes, but to be fair, most conservatives I know aren’t fans either.)

Search Term: i want my wenis to grow so much that it can reach my but and mouth
Site: hillarymonahan.com

Uhhh. Well. We all need goals. And in this case your goal is . . . kinda lofty, yeah, but . . . maybe . . . I got nothing. I really got nothing. God help me, I have no fucking clue what to say right now.

Search Term: m gonna be straightforward with you bitch. get the fuck over it putting me down makes you happier but laughing at you in your face pisses you off even more. you can’t fuck with me now cause im living life to the fullest until the day i die. hope you remember me for who i am.
Site: hillarymonahan.com

YOU GO, GIRL. SIR. GIRLSIR.

And, in closing (because it probably made me laugh/stare the longest)

Search Term: georgia congressman discusses beastality/watermellon
Site: hillarymonahan.com

I really don’t think I need to say /shit/ about that one. Do I?

Plus what?

6 Sep

So Google+ is this new shiny thing, that’s not really like Facebook or Twitter but has elements similar to both, and integrates into the Google Suite of products.

I got a beta invite, and after trying it out for awhile, I thought it was pretty cool. Cool enough that I wanted to use it with my blogging friends and gaming friends and other internetty types.

Problem? My usual email address contains my real name. (Which isn’t Anna, but might as well be, since there are a vastly larger number of people that know me as Anna than as my real name)

So after thinking about it for awhile, going back and forth, and weighing options, I decided to make a new email address specifically for G+, thinking that way I could be Anna on G+ and just forward everything from my regular email into the new one.

Justoneanna at gmail dot com was born, and I put all my friends through a profile switch on google chat, my primary chat program these days.

And then the ‘Nym wars started.

See, Google at the beginning wasn’t as … vocal… about their naming policy, which includes a clause that restricts use of pseudonyms. By “restricts”, it turns out they mean “will ban your account unless you change it to your real name and provide proof of ID that it’s your “real” name”.

If your real name doesn’t comply with what Google determines is an acceptable real name, sucks to be you (even if you’re a tech blogger who has given two conferences at Google’s headquarters). Of course, if you’re famous, like Lady Gaga, you get to keep your pseudonym. But little old me? My name isn’t really Anna.

Of course, my pseudonym is an acceptable, westernized name using the Latin alphabet and following a standard format. Which adds another monkey wrench into the system.

See, Google swears up and down that using “real names” is to prevent spam and trolling. To my eyes, that’s kind of not that useful. I can create an account under the name Christopher Harmon (a name I just made up out of my head), and spam away, never flagged by the Google Pseudonym Police, because my name appears to comply with the system.

Not to mention that the two creepy internet stalkers that have made my life miserable in the past did so under their real, legal names.

On the other hand, outing real names is notably unsafe for a lot of people. I don’t use my real name publicly on the internet because of said creepy stalkers. I also have the freedom of talking about my mental health issues without, say, a future boss coming across it.  And I’m not the only person who noticed that using my real name seemed to be a lot better for Google and their datamining than it did for me. There’s nothing that comes from people online knowing my real name that they can’t do with me as Anna.

A “real name” policy doesn’t just harm people who want to protect their real lives from inappropriate online intrusions. In fact, it harms a lot of people.

What about the Colons?

2 Sep

So at some point, some person of probably not very many brains decided that for Breast Cancer Awareness, women on facebook should post a status update with just the color of their bra. “Pink” “Beige” “Flowery” or whatever. This was supposed to utterly confuse and confound all the manz and somehow raise awareness of breast cancer. I’m not sure it did much good, and largely was a bunch of women giggling about how clever they are to post random colors in their facebooks as a way to “confuse the silly men”.

(What confusing the silly menz has to do with breast cancer I’ll never know, it all seems like a big attention whoring stunt to me.)

(Also ALSO, men get breast cancer too, and often can’t get care for it because they don’t have the boobies, so maybe we should be including them in this awareness thing too?)

The next year it was about purses and was even dumber. This one was also suggestive sounding and didn’t have anything even remotely to do with breast cancer. In fact, it was pointless as such. At least bras have boobs in them.

This year, I got the following note:

k ladies it’s that time of year again, in support of breast cancer awareness!! So we all remember last years game of writing your bra color as your status?…..or the way we like to have our handbag handy? Well this year, it’s slightly different. You need to write your shoe size,( just the number) followed by the word ‘inches’ and how long it takes to do your hair… Remember last year so many people took part it made national news and, the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we’re doing this and helped raise awareness!! (eg 5 inches, 10 minutes) DO NOT TELL any males what the status’ mean, keep them guessing!! And please copy and paste (in a message )this to all your female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year!!! I did my part… now YOUR turn ! Go on ladies…and let’s have all the men guessing ! xxxxx

And I rolled my eyes so hard that they hurt.

No shit guys, making status updates that are cryptically sexy is going to get attention… because it’s about cryptic sexiness, not because it’s supporting breast cancer. It’s like putting a stupid little pink bow on a box of condoms and saying they’re breast cancer condoms.

That’s called pinkwashing, by the way.

But as usual, I opted not to be Queen Douche of Cunt Mountain and didn’t post a ranting screed on my facebook page, even when “7 inches, 10 minutes” started showing up in my facebook feed.

Then?

Then it got ugly.

Then I got the following note:

It’s that time of year again in support of Breast Cancer Awareness! We all remember last years game of writing your bra color as your status? or the way we like to have our handbag handy?

Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we’re doing this and helped raise awareness!

DO NOT tell any males what the status’ mean, keep them guessing And please Broadcast this to all ur female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year

I did my part… So now its YOUR turn!

The idea is to choose the month You were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round the world.

So you’ll write… I’m (your birth month) weeks and I’m craving (your birth date) !!! as your status

Example: Feb 14th= I’m 2 weeks and craving Choclolate mints!!

January-1week
Febuary-2weeks
March-3weeks
April-4weeks
May-6weeks
June-8weeks
July-10weeks
August-12weeks
September-13weeks
October-14weeks
November-16weeks
December-18weeks

Days of the month:

1- Skittles
2- Starburst
3- Kit-Kat
4- M&M’s
5- Tomatoes
6- Ice Cream
7- Dairy Milk
8- Lollipop
9- Peanut Butter Cups
10- Meat Balls
11- Twizzlers
12- Bubble Gum
13- Hershey’s Kisses
14- Chocolate Mints
15- Twix
16- Cheese
17- Fudge
18- Cherry Jello
19- Banana’s
20- Pickels
21- Chicken Wings
22- Skittles
23- Gummy Bears
24- Gummy Worms
25- Strawberry Pop Tarts
26- Starburst
27- Mini Eggs
28- Kit-Kat Chunkie
29- Double Chocolate Chip Chrunchy Cookies 30- Smarties
31- Chocolate Cake

Have Fun!

Ok, What?

I’m supposed to PRETEND TO BE PREGNANT, so that I can … support breast cancer? The hell? That doesn’t make any sense. Also, you can’t be 1 week pregnant (and know about it).

AND?

The part that really just burns the fuck out of my toast?

People who have breast cancer, and get chemo, often suffer from infertility.

How awesome do you think it makes them feel to see the other women on facebook making fun of pregnancy ha ha look I got your attention about nothing? Not to mention the 1 in 6 couples in the US that struggle with infertility? Or the 1 in 4 pregnancies that ends in misccariage?

Oh wait, you didn’t mean to be a douchecanoe? Well, grats, you kinda did anyway.

Also, you did absolutely nothing to support breast cancer. Nobody reading your status will be more educated or have more outlets to donate to research or anything remotely useful.

As an aside, breast cancer gets a TON of press these days. There’s pink fucking KITCHEN UTENSILS that are supposed to support Breast Cancer. Right. (Pinkwashing again. They do it with teddybears too)

So, here’s some trivia for you:

What is the #1 killer of women in the United States?

Here’s a hint, it’s not breast cancer.

It’s heart disease. #2 is ALL CANCER COMBINED. #3 is Stroke.

Colon cancer and ovarian cancers are both hugely deadly. In fact, breast cancer, thanks to all of the research and publicity, has one of the best long term prognoses for survivors, especially when caught early. The same isn’t always true of other cancers.

Why aren’t we talking about saving the hearts? Or the ovaries? Or the colons? Maybe because those aren’t as sexy as boobs. Maybe because they can’t be sexualized and objectified in a way that uses pictures of bulging cleavage and status updates about the color of our bras (tee hee, we’re so sneaky!)

And maybe I’m a little bitter, and a little angry.

But I really think this is all ridiculous.

If you want to support breast cancer – POST ABOUT BREAST CANCER. It means a whole lot more to hear “I knew SuchandSuch Person with cancer, and she’s a fighter and a survivor, and lived for X years” and then post a link to the American Cancer Society.

Don’t belittle the infertility struggles of actual breast cancer survivors and many many others with a ridiculous post that makes your friends think you’re pregnant, as if that’s some kind of thing everyone wants.

“Just kidding! I wanted to tell you about breast cancer awareness” is an extra step that nobody needs. Just post about cancer, and leave game playing to game playing.

I don’t care a whit if you want to post about how many tampons you use in a month and the color of your armpit hair. Trying to tie it in a cheeky, useless manner to an actual serious problem is stupid and solves nothing.

And if you want to raise awareness about a serious problem, maybe pick something other than breasts.