11 Aug

Moving sucks. You have to pack boxes, scrub every surface, and hope someone thinks your house is swell enough to buy, for a price that will just barely cover your mortgage and expenses. (If you get less, you’re in the hole for a house in which you spent 10 years trying to earn a miserly amount of equity. Grats!) You write lists of things you need to do before the big day, your husband laughs at you with a high note of frustration in his voice and says “you and your lists!!” and it’s enough to drive you to drink (more than you already do).

Did you know that the top of a white kitchen cabinet will turn the color of dusty chocolate if you ignore it for ten years? Who thought it would be a good idea to make cabinets that don’t go all the way up to the ceiling, anyway? I refuse to look up there. Dust bunnies have lived long lives and died there, pasting themselves to the finish and leaving only the memory of sticky brown oblivion. (I can see you cringing over there, Claire.) It’s so gross.

My hands smell like bleach all the time now. The insides of all those once-icky cabinets and drawers are sparkling clean and half-empty. Unnecessaries have been packed in boxes with neat labels that announce what’s inside. I’m sure at some not-so-distant point in the future that orderly labeling system will disintegrate and I’ll wind up throwing the rest together in a big jumble, writing question marks all over the boxes with a red Sharpie.

"What's in this box, Bika? A toaster and a fish and a 400,000-count box of tampons? A garbage can and a crystal goblet and six live doves?? Go ahead, guess. I DARE YOU."

I will write on my boxes MISC, the dirty word of every legit–and therefore implausible–organization system. (Naturally neat people don’t need systems to tell them that ‘miscellaneous’ is the devil, because they already know. It’s in their tidy goddam DNA. The people most in need of an organizing system, those are the ones with a misc drawer. And a misc box. And a misc cabinet, bag, pouch… if they have a container, they have another one like it that is for misc. That’s just how it works.)

In defiance of my hoarding tendencies (which are minor, I might add. Moderate at worst. Am I being defensive?) I made a big pile of stuff to feed the yard sale. It’s funny how the utility and sentimental appeal of any particular item diminishes once you realize you’re going to have to pack it in a box. The teddy bear as old as me, he can go in the box. The lamp with beaded fringe that’s been bent since the day we got it because I knocked it off a table, not so much. It’s a good thing I hoarded all those little round price stickers from the last time we moved. (Not a hoarder, not a hoarder, not a…)

As a dyed-in-the-wool procrastinator I’m having to work my ass off to overcome self-start deficiency, and it’s a lonely job because I don’t have family to bribe with beer and barbecues. Where we’re going, I could have all the encouragement I’d ever want. That in itself is a good enough reason to move there, if you ask me. (“But Bika, if you weren’t moving there, you wouldn’t need the help to move there.” NO. This is not Bika-approved logic.) Now that’s been said, I took a break from this packing/cleaning fiasco to write this post and I’m due to get my sorry ass back to work. Wish me luck.


6 Responses to “Packing”

  1. michelle August 11, 2011 at 1:49 pm #

    I love books. I do not love moving books. I think the only limitation on my library is that I always know I’m likely to move in a year or two, and perhaps I don’t need that in hardback..

    • Bika August 11, 2011 at 2:40 pm #

      Oh god, books. I only had a tiny little bookshelf and I still managed to fill up 4 file boxes with the damn things. I guess it’s a good thing I haven’t bought more over the years.

  2. Itanya Blade August 11, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

    Why do I get the feeling that sometime soon I am going to get a call that is just Bika cackling madly?

    • Bika August 11, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

      Because eventually, it happens to everyone. EVERYONE.


    • Verdus August 12, 2011 at 2:22 am #

      I’m amazed you haven’t already.


  1. Packing « Bika Central - August 11, 2011

    […] move, but I still have time to write for Mama Hillary over at Seven Deadly Divas. I like this particular post because it harnesses the mind-breaking power of Jim Carrey in spandex. Go look, you know you want […]

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