Bad Food. Okay, No. REALLY Bad Food.

13 Mar

We all know crappy food is tasty. If it wasn’t, everyone would be eating lettuce twenty four hours a day with big shitty grins on their mouths because they’d be ignorant of the godliness that is the Wendy’s McDouble Fatty. Sometimes I think liking crappy food as much as I do is a reflection on me as a person, like longing for a Ding Dong makes me trashy and sub-human.


Now that’s a little extreme (okay a lot extreme) but you catch the jist. Liking craptastic food definitely accounts for my expansive waistline, and buying it makes me think things like “eating Jenga pieces is healthier than this”, but it rarely stops me. I suppose in a perfect world I could walk away from ALL THE CRAPPY THINGS, but the concept of a life without my guilty pleasures makes me so sad.

Let me expound upon the why.

1. Hot Dogs

The Ugly Truth: I’m a hot dog purist. I don’t want a bunch of chili or onions or ground up kittens on my hot dog. I want it plain and simple with a little ketchup and a mustard so yellow it rivals Dolly Parton’s hair. I want it greasy, and for the bun to suck up the extra grease so that too is terrible for me. Yes, I understand that hot dogs are the melting pot of meat products. I know I’m eating ground cow bung and goat toenails. I even get that the meat percentage consistency from hot dog to hot dog changes, and that’s REALLY FUCKING CREEPY TO THINK ABOUT. Does that mean I pass up that steaming tube of awesome? Nope. In fact, give me two. I love them. I love them so much that even knowing I’m eating pig brains, I gladly nom away, my lips smeared in a gag worthy combination of pork grease and condiment.

The Healthy Alternatives: Did you know there are low fat hot dogs out there? I’ve tried them before. Most of them are made with turkey or chicken meat, and they’re a little pale in color next to their pink, meat-combo brothers and sisters. Last year, when I was on a health kick, I bought only low-fat food for a solid month and a half. As such, I brought the substitute hot dogs over to Greg’s for grilling. Slight problem: turkey dogs taste like shit. No, really, it was dry meat clay sculpted into the shape of my beloved hot dogs. It was one of the most depressing food moments of my life.

2. Easy Cheese

The Ugly Truth:

Need I Say More?

The Healthy Alternatives: There isn’t one. It’s cheese in a can. You’d get more nutrition sucking gasoline from the hose.

3. Ramen Noodles/Cup of Noodles

The Ugly Truth: I inherited this particular guilty pleasure from my mom. I remember being a kid and we’d have “Oodley Noodley soup!” I became a premier chef of the shit over the years, nixing the salty-as-hell broth and just adding a blob of butter with the noddles, mixing it up with the seasoning packet, and bam! Emeril’s worst nightmare! There’s so much sodium in one serving it’s like gargling with ocean water, but who cares? It tastes vaguely like chicken and there’s noodles EVERYWHERE.

The Healthy Alternatives: I really don’t know of any. I suppose if I wanted to go the soup angle, I’d recommend a Tom Yum Soup loaded with vegetables and rice noodles. If you like it dry, wheat pasta with a nice olive oil and garlic sauce.

4. Hostess Fruit Pies

The Ugly Truth: I think they started out with good intentions. Apples are healthy right? Apples have all sorts of . . . good shit in them. What are those things called aga . . . right. VITAMINS. HEALTHY VITAMINS ARE HEALTHY. So we start off in a good place, aaaand then they take all those vitamins and submerge them in a vat of sugary sweet high fructose corn syrup awesome. Next they wrap it in a crust, and to make matters worse, they dip that crust in the same glaze stuff you get on honey dipped donuts.

(Aside here, I used to work at a coffee shop as a teenager. One of my jobs was to “scrape” the bottom of the honey dip bin. It bleached a purple sweatshirt of mine. No shit.)

The Healthy Alternatives: An ACTUAL apple. You know, grows on a tree, red. Yellow sometimes, or green maybe.

Being A Blogger Means I Get To Link Shit Like This

5. Fast Food Restaurant Shakes

The Ugly Truth: Well, there’s not a lot I can say about them except linking the nutritional information for the shakes and going BUT WHYYYY, THEY TASTE GOOD.

960 calories
17g sat. fat
23g fat
0.5g trans fat
75mg cholesterol
153g sugar
176g carbs
17g protein
780mg sodium

Not only is there fat, there’s trans fat which is the equivalent of eating food cancer. Scientists have made a direct correlation between trans fat and coronary heart disease. There’s a reason you see companies advertising that they removed that shit from their products.

(I probably don’t have to bother mentioning that a large Burger King shake is 1000 calories and pretty much half of your daily suggested caloric intake.)

The Healthy Alternatives: Not much. Water? Uhhh . . . yeah. Water. Maybe a glass of milk, two percent milk if you’re feeling really well behaved. It’ll pale in comparison to this drink which is, in my humble estimation, a mix of delicious nuclear waste, but hey at least you tried!


So tell me, what’s YOUR guilty pleasure food? Let’s hear your ugly, dirty little food secrets.


5 Responses to “Bad Food. Okay, No. REALLY Bad Food.”

  1. Bika March 14, 2011 at 5:10 pm #

    Sometimes I get this shameful urge to eat spaghettios with “sliced franks”. Spaghettios are gross, and I’m pretty sure those little frankfurter bits are made of peckers and eyeballs, but every once in a while I just want to eat some. Luckily shame prevents the purchase 9 times out of 10. 😐

  2. David March 14, 2011 at 8:34 pm #

    My baseball game meal will eventually lead to a massive heart attack or a divorce: two Fenway Franks with Gouldens mustard and onions, a beer or two, a Hood Sports Bar (an ice cream treat that is pronounced “Spoh[it]s Bah”), and an Italian sausage sandwich with peppers and onions after the game. There is nothing good in any of that but it tastes so damned good and reminds me of when I was a wee lad.

    Buffalo chicken for some reason makes me happy every time I have it. Papa Gino’s pepperoni pizza has no redeeming qualities but lately has been a craving. I’m totally on board with those Ramen noodle bowls. Pepsi and Mountain Dew Throwback is delicious and I don’t care what you say about the sugar content. And something about Chicken McNuggets lately…

  3. Sarai March 14, 2011 at 10:08 pm #

    Roasted chicken flavor ramen noodles- cook ’em, then when you add the seasoning packet dump in some REAL CHICKEN. The broth makes the chicken almost melt in your mouth, I swear. My excuse is that the chicken makes it healthier… >_>

    I also completely agree on everything you said about hot dogs. Just add some relish on mine. 😀

  4. falconesse March 15, 2011 at 9:23 am #

    When I’ve been a-travellin’ for a week, my first instinct on the way home is, for some reason, to go get a Quarter Pounder. I don’t know why — they feed us well and keep us fortified with snacks and coffee between meals. But on the way home, I go for the stuff that has zero nutritional value.


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