Go To Hell! Please?

13 Dec

No, I don’t really want you to go to hell. Metaphorically, though, I kinda sorta do want you to go to hell. The good news is I want to go with you so that makes it all better, right? Just nod your head and say ‘yes’. It’ll be easier for both of us.

Everyone, meet Azazel:

Goat Dudes Need Goat Pets

Azazel is one of the four lords of hell (depending on which part of which scroll or bible you read, so really, he could be one of fifty, but for this article let’s stick with the commonly known four), along with Satan, Astaroth, and Beelzebub. He was an angel who fell, and he’s portrayed one of two ways. The first is the commonly known goat man you see above. The other is infinitely cooler, and if I’d found art that would have done that description proud? I’d have melted your brains with it. See his other form had seven heads and fourteen faces.

Yeah. Awesome, innit? I bet you’re as jealous as I am right now.

Anyway, being a lord of hell is sorta neat I suppose, and I bet having tea with him would be mind expanding and all that other happy horseshit, but the reason I wanted to touch on Azazel (not literally, dudes with fourteen faces aren’t my thing) was why he fell from grace in the first place. I think it’s the most fascinating aspect of his story. As with all religious mythology, there’s varying accounts on what went down, but there are three that get discussed most predominantly:

A) He had the audacity to have a THANG for human gals and bred upon a girl with a lovely badunkadunk a bunch of half angel spawns

B) As he wanted to keep his honey bear girly-friend happy, he introduced a couple of COOL ANGEL THINGS to humans we’d never had before. The first of which was cosmetics, and that on its own wasn’t so bad. But then it led into harlotry and everything went to crap. One minute folks were looking all fly and pretty:

The next people were painted up like Bozo:

Sup, Mimi?

Oops. Oh, and that other COOL ANGEL THING he shared? Weapons, which was great for hunting buuuut not so great when people went and stabbed their brothers with said weapons. Hello WAR ON EARTH! Lots of foresight there, Azzie. Well done.

C) Now, A there says he took a human wife, which actually wasn’t all that strange of a thing for angels to do in Christian mythos (and a note for our readers, this information is coming from the Dead Sea Scrolls in case you’re interested in pursuing this topic beyond my six-year-old narrative). There were other angels who had human wives that didn’t fall from heaven for it. The practice wasn’t exactly smiled upon, but it wasn’t enough to get you the ol’ heave-ho from God for doing it. Azazel’s problem was he not only had a human wife, but he disapproved of God’s choice for the Metatron. If you haven’t seen Dogma (and fie upon you if you have not), you know the Metatron is Alan Rickman and NOT a cool Transformer. And on the off chance that Kevin Smith is wrong and the Metatron is not Alan Rickman, the more generic description is that the Metatron is the voice of God. He’s the heavenly PA system, passing on whatever God needs to get out to the angels and humankind. It’s a pretty serious friggin’ job. So God looked around at his folks, eyeballed an angel known as Enoch, and said YOU THERE, YOU’D MAKE A GOOD OFFICE ASSISTANT. Azazel wasn’t a fan of Enoch and voiced his objection. God said he’d “take it under consideration”, towing the upper management company line, and three seconds later forgot the name of the dude making the objection in the first place. Enoch took power as the Metatron, flexed, and the first thing he did upon getting promoted? Kicked Azazel from heaven for opposing him, telling his peeps “Of COURSE this has nothing to do with him not liking me as Metatron. It’s TOTALLY about his human wife.” At least Enoch did one cool thing for Azazel before booting him: he drop kicked Azazel’s two best friends from heaven too, cause what’s torment under a fiery desert without a few buddies to bitch to about it, eh?

If you think about version B of the story, that Azazel gave Angel Sekrits to the humans and that’s the reason for his fall, it’s sort of similar to the tale of Prometheus. He’s that Greek guy that gave fire to the simple earth folk despite the gods telling him not to. For his crimes, Prometheus was cast down into Hades and had his guts ripped out by a huge bird every day for eternity. Bird would eat his liver, fly off and leave Prometheus in agony, and Prometheus’s guts would magically regenerate so he had another liver for the bird the next day.


I suppose that’s it, we can all leave hell now. I know, I know. You’re disappointed, but all good things must come to an end. Please keep your hands and feet inside of the vehicle upon departure, and absolutely no flash photography. I hope we all learned something important on this tour! Like the fact that Alan Rickman is in fact the Metatron and NOT a Transformer.

If you can’t keep that straight, I should probably just leave you here. I think Hitler has some room on that bench over there. Mind the spikes.


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