Hillary Versus The Turducken.

29 Nov

Turducken. Say it with me now: Tur – Duck – en. Even the word is intimidating. It sounds like a beast that ought to be fighting Godzilla over a Japanese city scape. Mothra ain’t got nothing on this enormous bundle of meat product. I can practically see a bespectacled Japanese man shouting fearfully at a movie camera while Turducken’s oversized drumstick topples a skyscraper behind him.

TURDUCKEN IS COMING. TURDUCKEN IS COMING. HIDE THE CHILDREN.

Turducken After Godzilla's Victory

So I’m betting that right there is probably a solid representation of everything Bika finds reprehensible in this world. It’s meat packed into more meat packed into more meat, and garnished with . . . meat. “What is a turducken,” you may ask, “besides a visual abortion you felt you had to share with us, Hillary?” It’s a tasty piece of death, people. Take a turkey carcass and debone it. Do NOT ask me how they remove all the bones from a turkey and the fleshy part still maintains its turkey shape. I was hoping they did something cool like strip the meat, shove it into a processor, and sculpt the ensuing pulp like food clay, but Lauren ruined it. She said a good butcher can half one side of the turkey and take all the bones out that way. Booooring.

Anyway! Debone a turkey, then debone a duck and shove the duck into the turkey. Next take a chicken, debone that, and shove it into the duck. It’s a food daisy chain. Some chefs will then stuff the chicken with traditional stuffing (which depending on the recipe can contain sausage), and some chefs will garnish the outside of the turkey with strips of bacon. Hungry yet? If you are I think you’re gross. BUT SO MUCH MEAT, AND I’M ONE OF THOSE ODD PEOPLE WHO EATS BACON JAM AND BACON LOLLIPOPS, SO THIS SOUNDS LIKE GANGSTER’S PARADISE you say (excuse to link to Michelle Pfeiffer movie? Check). Besides being a pod person for eating meat flavored confections, I’m gonna give you a rundown on why I’m not cool on Turducken.

. . . it’s a relatively short rundown. In fact, there’s one reason (besides how gross it is to look at, because really I have never seen a pretty presentation of turducken). It’s excessive. It’s excessive like this is excessive:

The Art of Artery Clogging

Or this is excessive:

Krispy Kreme Cheeseburger

The first is the much talked about deep fried Twinkie, only they’ve taken that hideous concept and drizzled it with chocolate and sprinkles and whipped cream, because you know, it wasn’t full of saturated fat and served with a side of lard already. The second is the infinitely more hideous Krispy Kreme cheeseburger. Yeah, that’s right, who needs bread when you can use two donuts to sandwich that sucker in. I think I see bacon in THAT too. Mmmm, terminal meals.

See, there’s a difference to me between a gourmet meal and what I deem Extreme Cooking. Extreme Cooking is like you’ve introduced Johnny Knoxville to your kitchen and told him he has to keep poop, dirt, bugs, and poisonous chemicals out of anything he cooks, but you expect him to produce a meal. The next thing you know cows and pigs and sheep are simmering together in a big pile of bacon flavored grease. It offends me on some level, and I’ve been trying to pinpoint why. I think the best reason I can give is there’s a -pride – to cooking that the overkill meals annihilate. They’re the woman who wears too much makeup and a loud colored dress with sequins to a black tie affair. I think back to an episode of Iron Chef, the first time Bobby Flay went to Japan to compete against Masaharu Morimoto. Flay got up on his butcher’s block and started rallying the audience when his courses were done, and Morimoto was horribly offended, saying Flay was “not a chef” for destroying a certain sanctity of their trade by letting his feet touch his cutting board. Turducken, bacon wrapped double pork pulled deepfried sandwiches, the Twinkie, the Krispy Kreme cheeseburger? Make me feel the way Morimoto felt upon witnessing Flay’s antics.

Now, I know there’s folks out there that will argue Turducken is nothing like the other carnival creations I’ve put into the mix in that legit restaurants serve it, so NYAH. You’re right, they do, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not squicky whenever I see or hear about it. I also know that I’m not really going to effect what anyone eats or doesn’t eat in the foreseeable future, but as I can’t seem to escape the word Turducken, or the images the word inspires inside of my head, everyone reading this gets to suffer the awful consequences, too.

GODZILLA VS TURDUCKEN

There. I feel better now.

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4 Responses to “Hillary Versus The Turducken.”

  1. Arrens November 29, 2010 at 12:00 pm #

    Frankly, that Krispy Kreme cheeseburger looks delicious. I, for one, welcome our new extreme meat overlords.

  2. Marty November 29, 2010 at 9:37 pm #

    I AM MAKING DEEP FRIED TURDUCKEN NEXT YEAR FOR SLACKER THANKSGIVING.

    • Hillary November 29, 2010 at 9:40 pm #

      You’re a fucking turkey terrorist, that’s why.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Nothing To See Here Today! | www.hillarymonahan.com - November 29, 2010

    […] my post can be found over at Seven Deadly Divas!  I take on the Turducken.  Actually, Godzilla […]

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