The good, the bad, the awesome.

13 Nov

Hi.  Welcome to Seven Deadly Divas.  Have a seat.  No really, make yourself at home.  Don’t sit too close to Bika, though.  I heard she bites.  Wait, that’s not right; you’re made of meat and Bika only eats vegetables.  I heard it’s less that she’s anti-animal flesh and more she hates vegetables that much.  Kind of a homicidal anger thing.  Oh – WHOA WHOA WHOA.  No waving those fingers around, Pal!  The one with the Boba Fett hoodie?  Yeah, that’s Claire.  She’ll cut you.  She’s crazy.  Just sorta sit on your hands and don’t make any fast movements and everything will be fine.

Appetizer?  You’re quite welcome.  Anna’s always cooking up something tasty.  She’s got a gift for domestic stuff – knitting, cooking, home repair, liming the bodies.  Now that I think of it, I bet she could bake squirrel shit and make you think it was the best brownie you ever put in your mouth.  Not that she would.  No really, she wouldn’t.  Stop spitting that out.  Goddamn it, why don’t people ever listen to me.

Got a couple books falconesse laid out if you need some entertainment.  When she froths at the mouth and pulls her hair out about a title I’d avoid it, though.  And if she gets THAT look (you know the one, with the glazed eyes and the fangs?) . . . just don’t tell her you’re a fan and everything will be fine.   Put the logo-bearing merchandise aside while you’re at it.  We’ve got a shot we can give her that’ll take the edge off if need be.  Haemonic’s good enough to take care of that for us.  See, she’s got the really sucky job of keeping the rest of us all normal and shit.  Ha, yeah.  That’s why she’s bald.  Poor thing.

Oh right, the rest of the introductions.  Uh, the one huffing paint and calling herself an artist is Lore.  Nah, she’s harmless, and her nose isn’t always purple.  She just gets the best high off of that particular pantone.  Kinda makes a mess.  Oh, and the one playing with the stuffed dinosaurs in the corner?  That’s Jeni.  She’s our fruit bearing diva.   No, she didn’t eat an oompa loompa.  That’s a baby, you asshole.  And if you try to touch her triceratops she’ll sic Claire on you.  And laugh.

Bika, stop sniffing our guest’s hair.

So I have a question.   Did you have any self respect by chance?  Cause you won’t soon.  The angry one’s Caulle, and her skills are inking, gaming, and tearing your self dignity to shreds in under 4.7 seconds.   If you piss her off, you’ll need a hug and probably extensive therapy.  I’ve never heard someone use the word “fuck” in so many creative ways before.  If she gets under your skin – and believe me, she will – maybe haemonic will share one of falconesse’s shots with you.  I heard it takes you to the nice place with pink clouds and candy cane streets.

Oh, me?  Pish. I’m no one important.  Just call me the gatekeeper, or Hillary.  Gatekeeper makes me feel more important though, so use that.  Maybe spice it up with a Mistress too.  Or Empress.  Empress Gatekeeper.  Nice.  Real nice, don’t you think?  Has a ring to it.

. . . what do you mean you liked Mistress better.   DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?  I’M THE FUCKING GATEKEEPER.

That’s it.  Sic ’em, Claire.

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2 Responses to “The good, the bad, the awesome.”

  1. Linedan November 22, 2010 at 6:09 pm #

    First.

    (oh God, Cuddles is going to eat me aaaaaaaah)

    Best of luck, y’all. This is one VERY formidable collection of talent. ❤

  2. Verdus November 22, 2010 at 10:59 pm #

    Heh, the first post and I’m already terrified of all y’all. More than I was already, that is. OH GOD DON’T HURT ME!

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